One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
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Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”