Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
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The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband