me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
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I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
*eats only grass-fed donuts
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?