sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
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HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Ah..makes sense now
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow