[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
This why you should mind your business
At least my masseuse has my back.
My whole life was a lie.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.