I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
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My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Well, this explains it:
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids