Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
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once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.