I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
You Might Also Like
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey