I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
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*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.