“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
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No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.