friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
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My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead