I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
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I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Why are bridges so flammable.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha