According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
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The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Not today
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
This made me chuckle.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits