Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
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all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated