Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
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Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Welcome to the stomach
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.