Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
You Might Also Like
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Become ungovernable.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”