who named him groot and not spruce lee
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Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Battery falling down a hole
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”