Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
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I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Mistakes were made
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”