[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
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Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.