British websites use biscuits.
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.