Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
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I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
this is literally a CIA plant
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
is this how new cars are made??
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.