Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
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“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
he was correct
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.