(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
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Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
The asteroid..
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?