Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
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If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.