doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
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yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.