*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
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[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Omg 🤣
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.