A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
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So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
She was REALLY feeling it.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
is this a warning or an offer?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.