Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
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ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Me trying to reach for my goals
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I love you…
…r dog.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here