PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
You Might Also Like
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Wait for it
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.