Me, in DM rooms…
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I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping