me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
#NoRestForTheWicked
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
that wasn’t the question
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
even bears disappoint their mothers
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here