Need tips on making something look like an accident.
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Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.