Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
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“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first