Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
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i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Poetry is my passion