If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
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(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*