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Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.