*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
You Might Also Like
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
we’re dead?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
goldfish mafia
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
me irl
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.