Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Whoa 😂
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want