can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit