Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
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Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
New tinder profile pic
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie