[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Holy shit he’s back
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen