If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
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4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Stop it! 😂
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Seems kinda suspicious
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.