Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
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“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”