“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
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Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
What the hell happened here.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
this has done me in for some reason
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.