Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
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Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird