Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
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I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again