hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
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the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Just ordered me some pizza!
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.