jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
You Might Also Like
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.