Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Wait for it
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.