This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
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It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I think the cat got the dog high.
TODAY
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.